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Letting People Down

April 13, 2014

I have struggled with how intense I consider my inner tube water polo to be. By that, I mean, how does it affect my blood sugar. I track my patterns for Wednesdays to find commonalities, and I have nothing. I also have generally avoided running on Wednesdays. I might not notice the 24 hour effects of exercise a lot, but when I do two exercise events in one day, I always have a hard time not going low during the second one.

Last week I decided to walk on Wednesday morning. It was a beautiful walk and I can’t wait to do it again.

New favorite sweatbetes place

New favorite sweatbetes place

When it came time for ITWP later that night, I set a temp basal like I always do, bolused for my cider like I always do and checked my Dex religiously. We were almost done with the first half and I was in the water, but I started feeling low. I finished the half (a minute or 2), but ran to my Dex and sugar immediately. I was still low when we needed to get back in the water and I felt REALLY low. I told my team I couldn’t get in the water, and they asked me to tell them once I could get back in, because a bunch of other people needed breaks too. (This was written after a night when I couldn’t get out of the water because we didn’t have enough subs, but I became too low for my comfort. Now my team knows that when I say I can’t get in, I can’t.) I became our team cheerleader, and hopeful strategist. All I could think though was that I was letting my team down. I hated feeling like this.

I also, all of a sudden, knew why when I wanted to do a triathlon in high school & college, my mother told me she wasn’t comfortable with it. It always pissed me off then, but now, lows in the water are the scariest lows to me. I mean, this pool is shallow and I’m in a tube, yet I still feel completely uncomfortable being low in the water. I stood there and cheered and cheered and got excited for my team when they scored. But all I did was sit. And all I felt was that I was letting my teammates down.

Perspective

April 10, 2014

I normally wouldn’t like a 24 hour graph like this:

Day 2

Day 2

When it comes after a day like this though, I can accept it:

Day 1

Day 1

Post Run “Perfection”

April 3, 2014
Not taken this week, but you get the idea.

Not taken this week, but you get the idea.

Last summer & fall when I was training for the half marathon, I always had trouble with my highs post run. I know that it is because my body was reacting to the lack of insulin that was in my body while I was running. This week I went for a short run. It was easily one of the worst runs I’ve ever been on. It felt as though there was cement in my core and attached to my shoes. I wanted to run faster, but I just couldn’t do it. My blood sugar was in the 160s when I left, so I knew that the sluggishness was not because of a high blood sugar. I didn’t feel low. For me, sluggishness is not usually a symptom of low BG’s while I am running. I returned home and was in the 80s and set a higher temp basal to prevent a spike post run.

I got back (in the midst of taking a taking a Dexcom break), and set an alarm to test in another hour. I wanted to track my spike and catch it before it got too high. I was 130. It so much lower than I was expecting (180+). I still felt low. All day I felt low. I was low a few times (between 65-70), and in those moments I felt like I was in the 30s. My will to function and my ability to stand up straight were no where to be found. After work I was 101 (and getting ready to leave for ITWP) and treated it. I did everything in my power to eat healthy and not over treat and stay in range. I did it. I went for a run without a spike. Except I sit here thinking about my day and the only thing that comes to mind is “I don’t want to feel that way again.”

Has anyone else ever experienced this? Or reaching any diabetes goal where you don’t like how your body felt? What did you do? Did you try to accomplish it again?

Too Big

April 2, 2014
The orange was definitely bigger than what I bolused for.

The orange was definitely bigger than what I bolused for.

Worth It

March 26, 2014

I think the greatest thing that has emerged for me from writing are the friends I’ve made in the diabetes community. Whether in the online community or the greater community at large, it’s been a blessing. I’m here to tell you that Unmask A Cure is back!

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I believe there is no better way to celebrate the wonderful diabetes friendships than through a wonderful fundraiser. I cannot wait to share this experience with my friends, especially those that are traveling really far to get here for it!

I KNOW that these tickets are expensive (and they’ll be even more expensive in April)! I am part of the planning and I balked at the price as well. Then I got a bill for my insulin before the pharmacy had all my new insurance information. It was over $800 and I had no idea what I was going to do. As I brainstormed a polite way to talk to the pharmacist (and not cry), I got the new bill that insurance had gone through. Phew. That doesn’t take away from the fact that this is an expensive disease. I walk around with two different devices each costing thousands of dollars. I love them and I don’t want to ever lose them. I know that they are worth it and I’m sure it cost more to develop them. I’m also guessing the early generation ones were even more expensive.

Want to know where your money will go? Here are a couple examples.

If you’re still not convinced, I have a feel good video for you.

I know that it’s expensive and I know that sometimes an expensive ticket is hard to justify. THIS. IS. WORTH. IT.

Stuck

March 24, 2014

IMG_7847We know that diabetes happens every day and there is no way to ignore it (even though many of us have tried at times.) Lately I’ve had stories that I feel are worth sharing, but as soon as I sit down to type them, I’m left with three sentences and the story is told. Then I wonder what I’m doing. I want this space to be the traditional “quality over quantity.” I LOVE having this blog and an online social media presence in the diabetes world. It has brought me wonderful feelings, support and experiences. I want to share my stories so that others can find them and say, “No way! Me too!”

I am NOT going anywhere. I do think that I will be posting less (I’m pretty sure this means the world is going to thrust me into diabetes awareness situations like there is nothing else in the world now). I want this to be a place where I’m not just telling a story, but where there is a potential for dialogue & discussion. I think it will be more beneficial to everyone around that way.

Please be patient with me as I try to figure out the best way for me to write. If anyone has any suggestions about they’ve navigated through a time like this, I’m all ears!

Waffle Cabin

March 17, 2014
8AM Sunrise

8AM Sunrise

I already had plans Saturday afternoon, but with a dumping of snow last week, all I wanted was to get to the mountains. Dad and I got to the mountain an hour before it opened. We were at the top before it technically opened and we skied all morning. Getting there so early allowed us to ski and ski and ski some more. We had one or two runs left, and I was getting hungry. Have you ever skied by a fragrant waffle house? It’s really hard to do, but most days I manage. This was the day I decided that I wanted to indulge though. I was standing in line behind a teenage boy. I think he was just as excited as I was. Someone yelled “Is that part of your new diet kid?! (They used his name, but 1. I wouldn’t share it with you & 2. I don’t remember.) He turned around and glared. The other man standing with the yeller said “Does he have diabetes?” The kid turned around with a “holy shit” look on his face. I wanted to ask if he did in fact have diabetes, but he looked pretty pissed.

If he does have diabetes and if he is newly diagnosed, I hope he is doing okay. I hope he knows that life becomes much more connected. I hope he knows that he’ll learn to know his body more than he realizes. I hope he knows that there are people who love him, for the sole fact that we have the same autoimmune disease. I hope he knows that he shouldn’t eat sugared waffles all the time, but damn they’re delicious as a treat.

Spur of the Moment

March 6, 2014

It had taken me forever to get there, and then I got lost, and I was nervous as hell and I was nervous about one of those sweaty lows coming in and taking over. (If you don’t know which sweaty lows I’m talking about, go get Balancing Diabetes – I’ve described it quite well over there.)

It was absolutely the best first date I’ve ever been on. The conversation was easy and there were no thoughts of “get me out of here.” I took out my pump to bolus for a beer and nothing was said. We started talking about running and how he had spur of the moment gone for a 10 mile run that  week. I said something along the lines of “I couldn’t do that.” We do know that I can run 10 miles (and more!), but when I was only running a 5K at the time, I knew that an increase in 7 miles and a significant increase in running time would not bode well for me and my diabetes. I sat there trying to explain that I would need to work myself up to 10 miles. Even though I had bolused for a beer, he did not yet know that I had diabetes and the tightening in my chest of my face giving it away scared me for a minute. I did not want to disclose diabetes in the midst of an exercise conversation because would I immediately be looked at as being weak? I didn’t want to risk it. The other part of me filled with jealousy. I would LOVE to be able to just start running without a plan, and without a backpack full of sugar. The fear & the jealousy were a weird combination rustling through my body. Could I become a capable actress in that moment to hide what I was really feeling? Did I want to be that actress? WAS I DISGRACING WHAT I’M TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH HERE?

I can, in fact, run 10 miles :)

I can, in fact, run 10 miles :)

I survived the date, had a few more and then moved on. He did find out about diabetes, asked really pertinent questions, and didn’t care at all.

I never envisioned myself writing this post. But my “expertise” in dating with diabetes is published and then today Lindsay said she loved what I had to say because it’s an aspect of diabetes she never had to deal with. I certainly do not date enough to absolutely know what I’m talking about, but I can share my experiences. If not for Lindsey’s conversation today while reading the Exercise chapter, this post would not be published. Or written. 

Bar Food

March 3, 2014

We ordered our food and I bolused. Prosciutto wrapped pork and potatoes. When my plate arrived, I had an “oh shit” moment. This was apparently even fancier than I realized, because the serving size was tiny. I ate it all, but I still didn’t think I had had enough carbs to cover my bolus. I ate some of my aunt’s risotto, and since I’ve never had risotto, I hoped it was carb packed.

We tried to go back to the condo, but realized we didn’t have the key, so we headed to a bar. Going to the grocery store to pick up the key from the moms would be way to logical. And a lot less fun. I sat there with my cousin drinking my margarita, and I started to feel off. A quick check of the Dex revealed that I was low, so I grabbed an airhead and started eating. My cousin started laughing, and asked if I had done this before. The answer is yes, however I did say that I try not to have blue or green ones in a bar, because clearly having a color changing tongue in a bar is crazy.

It's the perfect picture to capture all of my vacation.

It’s the perfect picture to capture all of my vacation.

Heaven for Me

February 26, 2014
It felt like I was at the top of the world

It felt like I was at the top of the world!