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Misbehaving Confidence

October 18, 2011

I walked in expecting to be the only one there.  Except that I wasn’t.  It was a lunchtime spinning class, so there were only a few others.  And they were all experts.  I’m not talking that they were faster than me, but I was the only rookie.  And it didn’t really bother me.  Sure I was nervous about diabetes, especially when the instructor said that she likes to do a full hour class instead of the 45 minutes that are on the schedule.  But diabetes behaved.  What didn’t behave was my confidence.
Since there were only 5 other people in the class, I could clearly see everyone else.  And I could see me.  And me was not looking so good.  I have never been one to call myself fat or even believe that I am.  As a kid I was tiny in fact, giving me the confidence to never really worry.  Sure, there have been times where I wanted to slim down or get in better shape, but I felt fat.  Huge even.  I have never felt so embarrassed based solely on the shape of my body.  I know that these women were tiny and that I shouldn’t have been comparing myself to them, but in the moment it’s hard!  I was behind a clearly tiny, muscular woman, and I couldn’t help but notice that the half of my thigh left was the same size as her thigh.  I knew that what I was doing in the moment was good.  But I sure didn’t feel good.  I left there feeling more miserable than I ever should.  There are so many interferences in every day life, and I’ve heard people say “I’m too fat to go to the gym” (or at least reference it), and I never got it.  But today I get it.  I wish I didn’t.  But I do.
I do know that what I was doing was good.  And I know I’m healthy.  So I’ll keep doing things I should be doing.  But I hope that I don’t walk out of that gym feeling that way ever again.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. mom permalink
    October 19, 2011 9:38 AM

    I think most active “in shape” people are truly impressed with those who try. Every active person has had at some point had to start their work out or sport. They know the work it takes.

  2. October 19, 2011 8:15 PM

    Briley –
    I totally know the feeling. Ironically, we talked about this exact thing in my Physical Activity Promotion and Adherence class today. If people are concerned with YOU — how you exercise, how you look, etc — when THEY are working out . . . it’s their problem. Focus on you, focus on all the good you’re doing for your body, and ignore ’em :].

  3. October 20, 2011 1:29 PM

    Having just met you a few days ago, I am in a position to tell you honestly that you are not fat!!! You are a normal sized beautiful woman!!!! Don’t ever let you head tell you anything else!

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