Misbehaving Confidence

I walked in expecting to be the only one there.  Except that I wasn’t.  It was a lunchtime spinning class, so there were only a few others.  And they were all experts.  I’m not talking that they were faster than me, but I was the only rookie.  And it didn’t really bother me.  Sure I was nervous about diabetes, especially when the instructor said that she likes to do a full hour class instead of the 45 minutes that are on the schedule.  But diabetes behaved.  What didn’t behave was my confidence.
Since there were only 5 other people in the class, I could clearly see everyone else.  And I could see me.  And me was not looking so good.  I have never been one to call myself fat or even believe that I am.  As a kid I was tiny in fact, giving me the confidence to never really worry.  Sure, there have been times where I wanted to slim down or get in better shape, but I felt fat.  Huge even.  I have never felt so embarrassed based solely on the shape of my body.  I know that these women were tiny and that I shouldn’t have been comparing myself to them, but in the moment it’s hard!  I was behind a clearly tiny, muscular woman, and I couldn’t help but notice that the half of my thigh left was the same size as her thigh.  I knew that what I was doing in the moment was good.  But I sure didn’t feel good.  I left there feeling more miserable than I ever should.  There are so many interferences in every day life, and I’ve heard people say “I’m too fat to go to the gym” (or at least reference it), and I never got it.  But today I get it.  I wish I didn’t.  But I do.
I do know that what I was doing was good.  And I know I’m healthy.  So I’ll keep doing things I should be doing.  But I hope that I don’t walk out of that gym feeling that way ever again.