I walked in expecting to be the only one there. Except that I wasn’t. It was a lunchtime spinning class, so there were only a few others. And they were all experts. I’m not talking that they were faster than me, but I was the only rookie. And it didn’t really bother me. Sure I was nervous about diabetes, especially when the instructor said that she likes to do a full hour class instead of the 45 minutes that are on the schedule. But diabetes behaved. What didn’t behave was my confidence.
Since there were only 5 other people in the class, I could clearly see everyone else. And I could see me. And me was not looking so good. I have never been one to call myself fat or even believe that I am. As a kid I was tiny in fact, giving me the confidence to never really worry. Sure, there have been times where I wanted to slim down or get in better shape, but I felt fat. Huge even. I have never felt so embarrassed based solely on the shape of my body. I know that these women were tiny and that I shouldn’t have been comparing myself to them, but in the moment it’s hard! I was behind a clearly tiny, muscular woman, and I couldn’t help but notice that the half of my thigh left was the same size as her thigh. I knew that what I was doing in the moment was good. But I sure didn’t feel good. I left there feeling more miserable than I ever should. There are so many interferences in every day life, and I’ve heard people say “I’m too fat to go to the gym” (or at least reference it), and I never got it. But today I get it. I wish I didn’t. But I do.
I do know that what I was doing was good. And I know I’m healthy. So I’ll keep doing things I should be doing. But I hope that I don’t walk out of that gym feeling that way ever again.