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June 17, 2011

Remember that scary low I told you about? Well, it’s still messing with my head.  I go through my days fearing numbers which are admittedly perfect (between 100-110).  Because lower than that, and I’m in double digits.  90s.  Scary.  80s.  Even Scarier.  70s.  Give me that juice!  60s.  Give me juice, get me a chair and don’t talk to me!  I don’t think I’ve been lower than that, and that’s good because where else can I go from there.  So I admittedly have been running a little high this week, but mostly in the 140s range, which is not horrible.  Over-treating lows?  Absolutely.   And that’s just during the day.  When I get home at night, I make dinner and eat dinner and I hang out, whether talking to friends or not, and trying to get up the courage to record my You Can Do This video.  Instead I watch others, (and this one over and over) and try to ignore the head games that diabetes is playing with me.  And then I try to go to bed.  And I sit on my couch scared to walk into my bedroom.  My bedroom is cozy, cool and comforting and diabetes has made it scary.  I don’t want to go to sleep at night.  I read and play Angry Birds so that I literally can’t keep my eyes open anymore.  Only then am I able to go to sleep.  Living alone and being alone?  It’s scary right now.  That’s what 23 does to a person! I want diabetes to leave me alone.  I know that in time I will be comfortable again, and I’ll go to sleep at decent times and I won’t lack patience anymore, and I won’t need to survive on a caffeine drip because of the lack of sleep because of the fear.  I know that day will come.  But here, this week?  Not a chance.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 18, 2011 2:15 AM

    You're not alone in that! Lows never used to scare me too much, until one day when I thought I was having a low and ended up having to go to the ER (it was a low blood pressure thing). From that day on, I was terrified and started running a little higher on purpose. I know logically it doesn't make much sense, but I struggled with it for a while. The fear has gotten to me a LOT lately…

  2. June 18, 2011 2:39 AM

    I never really use to deal with lows because I literally ate anything I wanted but once I started to take care of myself and went on the pen, is started to get low. So now anytime Im below 80 I panic a little, i mean i panic a little less than before because my body doesnt feel like a 50 when its 80 anymore. The pump definitely helped feeling the real lows. So you are definite not alone in feeling scared because of the lows. I use to seriously over treat. From a 40 to a 200 in an hour lol. I give you credit because being alone when your low is definitely something that panics you more.I hope you dont have to deal with another 23 ever. Sending positive thoughts your way.

  3. June 19, 2011 2:53 AM

    You are so not alone, Briley. This was a really brave post to share, and one that resonates for a ton of people. (( hugs ))

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