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Getting on the Roller Coaster

December 20, 2010

If you follow me, thank you for putting up with my roller coaster since Thursday (and a little before).  I’ve certainly been in a “life isn’t fair” mood, and while I try to get out of it, I’ve never experienced it so suddenly.
When I was twelve, I went to Symphony Hall for the first time during the Holiday Season.  I fell in love.  Now my mother goes with many of her friends and this year my father was going too.  Normally my father gladly gives me his ticket, but there still a seat available right near their tables, so I got to go to the Pops on Thursday night.  Mom had brought Buddy to the vet in the morning, and the ultrasound showed an enlarged heart.  He was okay for the night, but would go back the next morning for more tests.  As we sat there enjoying so many wonderful songs and performances, my father kept leaving when his phone went off.  I was appalled at how rude my father could be!  I was trying to ignore it though and just enjoy the music.  Because Christmas was officially here and nothing can bring me down.  I look up to the second balcony in the corner and there’s this man, who looks EXACTLY like my grandfather.  But not the grandfather I had the last 5 years, the grandfather I remember playing tennis with, and who loved floating in the ocean with just his face and toes above the water, and the man who loved the snow.  I was mesmerized and I couldn’t take my eyes off him.  I leaned over towards my mother and got her to notice this man too.  A moment or two later, my father got the last of the phone calls.  I “know” that when I saw this man, Buddy was leaving me.  When the show was over, I was the last of our group to leave the hall, and I walked out into the lobby, putting my coat on and I met my parents and my mother turned around and her face was bright red.  My eyes jumped between my parents and I just said “NO!”  That morning my mother told me not to worry and now I’m standing in the middle of Boston fancy-ness trying not to scream, but a river instantly running down my face.  My mother and I step to the side embracing each other, but thoughts of “what the hell happened” and “life sucks” and “I didn’t get to say good bye” were instantly in my head.  They drove me home, and I walked up the stairs, opened the door, and the sobs came.  How my roommate didn’t wake up is beyond me.  I was texting my closest friends, not knowing what to do.  I started playing The Big Bang Theory from the DVR and I was able to laugh.  At some point I moved into my bedroom and realized that my eyes were burning so I should turn out the lights and go to sleep.  Good old Rebel reminded me that I still needed to test, and I was in the 200s.  I bolused and sobbed into my pillow until I was asleep.  I woke up at some point in the middle of the night, and I knew I was low. I was still drained though, so I reached over to my bedside table and grabbed the bottle of tabs.  It was a brand new bottle, so I had to take off the plastic, open the jar, take off the seal and get the tabs.  And I managed to do it all while laying down.  I ate 2 tabs then rolled back over.  When I woke up in the morning, I was 72.  And I was ready for the ride.

December 20: White Christmas
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